It’s time to love again- Beginning the next chapter of my life

Today I had an image that brought me to tears, the image was that of my Uncle Matt. 25 years ago (this week), Matt committed suicide at age 23. In the image- he was having coffee with my grandma Betty in her kitchen. He just stopped by to “shoot the shit”. They were laughing and chatting and she was pouring him coffee. There was so much love between them; she was so happy. I guess Matt never realized how loved he was or that his mom’s heart would be shattered for the rest of her life after he took his own life. No one will ever know what Matt was thinking or going through, but clearly he could not see beyond the darkness and pain.

In 1997, I made a declaration. That I would live my life in honor of my Uncle Matt. I would live the greatest life I could, a life that would make a difference and a life that would have light shine so bright that people could see a possibility in the face of the darkness. I would live a life that would demonstrate that love could and would heal our world.

Honestly, since losing my job in March this year- I forgot about this kind of love. My job wasn’t just a job- it was the vehicle to fulfill on this promise. It was my life. It was my dreams. I had given it my whole heart since 1997- when I was 20 years old.

The loss of my job has been one of the most devastating experiences of my life. It was like a sudden death. There were mornings when I woke up in tears and cried myself to sleep. Where I was in a deep haze. I denied, negotiated, was bitterly angry, waves of sadness at unexpected moments and day by day- a little bit more acceptance.

Several months after the firing, I began to think about my future and yet nothing felt right. One day I was going to be a TV star; the next day I was going to college (I ended up going to 14 different colleges and each time I told Nathan – “this is where I am going!”- his patience is commendable); then I was going to do nothing; Then I was going to start my own business, etc, etc,… but those moments were fleeting and then the darkness and emptiness would return.

As this inquiry progressed I started to ask questions: How could I make a difference- a real difference? How could I forgive myself for my naive and immature ways of speaking that led to by dismissal? Why did this happen? What do I do now?

I asked anyone who would listen and yet everyone’s answer, in my world, was just noise.

Today, I believe I discovered the answer. The answer has been there since 1997 (and actually much, much longer). The answer hadn’t changed. The answer is: Love. Love can make a difference – a real difference. Love can forgive. This all happened so I have a deeper capacity to love. And the next thing to do is to love in bigger, greater, and more powerful ways than ever before.

I also can see that it is time for a new declaration- a declaration that honors my Uncle Matt and honors Brian Nord and what he had to overcome to have the life he has had. A declaration worthy of the rest of my life. A new promise. A new purpose.

I am now dedicating my life in honor of every LGBT person who does not know they are loved. To every LGBT person who’s dream of being in love and loved in return has never been realized. To every LGBT person who feels unlovable no matter how much love they get. I am creating a clearing for the healing of the LGBT community through Love.

I am creating a new reality in which it is THE NORM for LGBT people to have loving, supportive, healthy and lasting relationships (if the chose). In other words, I am committing the next chapter specifically to LGBT marriages and relationships not only being legal but thriving and fulfilling.

Inside of this promise, I am creating for myself the most remarkable life with Nathan that inspires others.

  •  I will be starting college for the first time and will be pursing my bachelor’s degree- as a personal way to love myself and honor myself.
  • I will continue to love and honor myself and all human beings through taking care of my body and losing weight and living a healthy lifestyle.
  • I will create new way to contribute and support my LGBT brothers and sisters to find love and to be successful in their relationships for the long-haul.
  • I  will create a new job that provides for Nathan and our future family abundantly.

So thanks to my sister-in-law Shanti for opening my eyes and my heart again to the real answer. The real work is just beginning..it’s time to love again.

Brian

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26 thoughts on “It’s time to love again- Beginning the next chapter of my life

  1. Thanks for this, Brian. I’ve been a little lost lately. (understatement). I’m moving back to Austin to begin loving myself again and discovering my real path. Even so, it isn’t coming from a creation yet for me… It is just getting through this funk/heartache… I think being home in Tx and closer to family in Oklahoma will help. Thank you for clearing some space for me to be. -Nathan

  2. My lovely friend… I too have been there, sitting on the edge of the bed in the morning crying for the loss of something I had declared was everything that mattered and then, it was taken away. A shattered ego feels just like a real hurt, a real injury, but you, the real YOU is still there. It is calm and without word, without meaning, whole and complete. Be still, be at peace, be with the inner self…. that’s where Brian is, he’s waiting for you to come and love him.
    I love you too.
    Tom

  3. sorry about losing your job. you were a big reason that i kept with the programs and all the things i did at landmark after the selp. you have come a long way since then. keep going with the blog and you will inspire other people to write too. who’s in your corner brian? who’s in your corner!!!!!!

  4. Thinking of you from NYC. Live each day to the fullest. We know you can do whatever you put your mind to and whatever that is, it will be great with Nathan and your friends and family by your side. We’ve all been there in some form or another and with each severing of ties there comes a new opportunity. Cheers to having a great life ! We’re routing for you. All the best.

  5. I’m touched by your sharing Brian… I look forward to hearing more about your new adventure/commitment, and especially to see your results in the world. I know that more love for the LGBT community = more love for everyone which, in the long run, equals peace.

  6. Thank you! Endings can be difficult. You really capture that, and you also demonstrate their great promise- the opportunity for a new, powerful, beginning. I am totally aligned with your vision- that all LGBTQ folks know we are loved! I look forward to reading further as your adventure unfolds.

  7. Brian. You mis-identified who you are for the world with what you did. There are a thousand pathways to express and fulfill your love for humanity. Being complete has you returned to your Self and create the opening to see the next avenue to fulfill on who you are.

    Who you are for me never goes away by virtue of your job or associations, no more than it goes away with changing clothes. It is you that I loved when you were in the Center – not the tag, not the position, not the job. The LGBT community needs an enrolling voice with authenticity and integrity. No one made wrong, everyone empowered. Take time for yourself to build more strength.

    S

  8. Hi Brian – I spent 4 years wandering in the upset…. suddenly without a future. I know what you are going through and it’s really awesome that you’re sharing it. If you want to talk call me.

    Joan Bordow helped me to see why I wasn’t getting anything new started… she said to me, “Well, when you’ve given your heart and your heart has been broken, it’s hard to want to try again.” Just recently a friend forwarded the following quote to me.

    If you’re really listening…………..
    If you’re awake to the poignant beauty of the world.
    Your heart breaks regularly.
    In fact, your heart is made to break,
    It’s purpose is to burst open again and again
    So that it can hold ever more wonder
    ~Andrew Harvey~

    I love you and look forward to your heart holding more wonder.

    -Heidi

  9. Hi Brian. Thanks for sharing. You’re the best!!! And you know that. Why not just try :”1 step at the time”? The first one is the more difficult one and once is done, you will just move forward. I am so proud of you! Love always, Sergio

  10. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, you are an inspiration and I am sure you will be touching and moving people everywhere you go.
    I love you!!!

  11. Love is who you are Brian! Always has been! It is fantastic for you to see what has been known by everyone else. Be the source for those that have lost it. Give them the love they think they no longer deserve. It is in you! It is you!! Thank you for sharing so courageously.

  12. Your first blog brought me to tears, profound, well written (and you know I’m a professional journalist and editor) and from the heart. I’m proud of you. Very well done, friend.

  13. Brian,
    Im so sorry to hear about the end of your tenure at Landmark however, I am so excited that you have found new inspiration and a new purpose!! Reading this brought back a memory of us sitting in your office in the Minneapolis center and I was (yet again being a hold out for the ILP) and you said to me, ” You can do it Jamie Lang! You can have it all!” those words have stayed with me ever since then. So now, I give them back to you….You can do it Brian Nord! You can do anything you put your mind to AND you can have it all!! Watch out LBGT community…moves are being made and Brian Nord is leading the way!!!
    I love you Brian! Please keep sharing with us on your blog! Can’t wait to hear more!

    Jamie 🙂

  14. I saw a link to your blog on FB and it brought back the deep shock and pain I felt when I found my favorite Aunt dead, from suicide. I wish you much self-love during this time of personal growth and transition. Your editor friend is right- this piece is beautifully written.

  15. I love you, Brian!

    First, thank you for sharing…..openly, authentically and from your heart….I am touched and informed at the same time.
    Second, a few words of encouragement.
    “Take chances,
    make mistakes.
    That’s how you grow.
    Pain nourishes your courage.
    You have to fail in order to practice being brave.”
    ~Mary Tyler Moore

    Keep up the good work.
    endeared to you forever,
    Leann

  16. I have never forgot how I want to live my life in honor of my friend Will. I have rocked out in life in honor of him. But I forgot how much I live him. Thanks for the reminder.

  17. Brian!

    I was in a seminar today talking to Sophia actually crying about how much I miss you. Amazingly enough you are one of the few people in my life I let love, encourage and coach me without anything in return. I am so excited about your commitments and will support you any way I possibly can! I love you very much and I miss you to the point of heart break!

    xo
    Charity

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